I am sick to death of the same old bla-bla bullshit jargon being used to describe interior decor in South African decor magazines... and on their online counterparts! I am unsure of whether this is due to a serious adjective shortage in the editing departments of said magazines, or if this is not due to something far, far sinister: the homeowners themselves.
I have always been a fan of Top Billing simply for the hysterical laughter it forces my family to emit as we watch in gleeful delight as the too-wealthy attempt to describe the decor and the "PIECES" they chose for their new kitscharama homes [my favourite type being that of the restoration and Tuscan types.. but this is another story]. Inbetween laughing at the seriousness of the homeowner (as they delight in the made-to-look-old feel of their 'historic' setting), I feel twinges of guilt as these poor fools clearly don't know any better.
My rather obscene Top Billing fetish aside, you'd think that South Africans would stop effing copying each others interiors and get creative in their endeavour to design and decorate a home that supposedly "expresses the personality of its inhabitants" and creates a "seamless interplay between the leisure and work spaces in the home".
In frustration at the number of artfully-placed San pots filled to the brim with one nasty-looking "indigenous succulent" and arrangements of classic pieces that correspond with the "eccentric tastes of the stylish owner" (who, mind you, has quite an eye for antiques and more historic pieces) I drew a blue print for the average designer-cum-art director-cum-curtain shop owner-cum cook book writer-cum photographer's home.
a) Well-timed, blurred movements of stylish house-owner's equally designer offspring (furnished in the latest spoils from Woolworths and Old Khakhi). May be accompanied by a further photograph of said child playing guitar or enjoying the contents of her infuriatingly beautiful bedroom.
b) A 'William Kentridge' (said artist is no longer a person, but an object) as the stylish house-owner is a collector of South African art. (She/ he also has a lot of money and asked her informed artist-friend who she should invest in).
c) Posed-to-look-Unposed portrait of stylish house-owner's off spring in sepia. Sepia is very flattering. Sepia tones well with the rest of the composition.
d) Antique (of course) brass cup that holds a few carefully-placed, vintage knick-knacks (purchased from one of the many decor stores on Florida/ Kloof roads).
e) A piece of coral-coloured coral. Said coral is in fashion. It must be because there is a sudden influx of East-African pieces and influences in stylish house-owner homes. Where this coral disappears to when it is no longer in vogue, nobody knows.
f) Art Deco piece from an auction in London (ah, of course, how did we not know this?). stylish house-owner did not know what the term Art Deco meant. Apologies, stylish house-owner still does not know what the term Art Deco means.
g) Artfully-placed fashionable-ugly dog (a French Bulldog or Pug will do. Well-turned-out long-haired Terrier crosses will also suffice). Henry (pronounced the French way of course) was given to stylish house-owner as an Anniversary gift and he simply looooooooves his doggy treats (provided by our dear friends at Woolworths, of course).
h) An iconic Paul Smith, topaz-coloured vase containing indigenous plants (of course) chosen by Frencesca Wilson (she did the garden you know). Stylish house-owner has been duped - interior decorator bought the Paul Smith vase on stylish house-owner's Platinum card. The one you see is a dahrling immitation a la Monsier Price. (Decor journalist is too polite to mention this to stylish house-owner, who walked into the Paul Smith concept store in Greenside one time in 2009 by mistake).
i) Slaster-and-grit shelving crafted by some up-their-arse concrete artiste (nothing is MADE, it is crafted) and installed by some up-their-arse shelving specialists.
j) Jielde lampshade - stylish house-owner made an autonomous design decision and opted out of placing an actual lamp under the shade. Interior decorator, appalled and amused, said nothing, fearing the end of her wicked spending on stylish house-owner's Platinum card.
k) Concrete screed by installed by some up-their-arse flooring specialists. In muted tones of Serengetti-Arabesque to create a sense of continuity throughout the house, of course.
l) Interior wall in Malamute Grey (Plascon #409). (Did I forget to mention that, upon purchase of this abode, stylish house-owner kept the shell of the house - for it had good bones - but tore down the rest of the structure to reveal a fashionably-empty lounge/ kitchen/ bedroom/ study?)
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